Critters is a low rent paying franchise that doesn’t deserve to buff Gremlins’ ‘Gizmo’.
But it exists. Four times in fact. Four almost identical times…

I recently spent a week and a bit coming to grips with the entire franchise, only to emerge from the experience wondering if this might just be the most elaborate practical joke yet played upon humanity.

Because these four films couldn’t have been made to please an eagerly awaiting paying audience… Could they?

Critters

The critters themselves – perhaps tellingly – are the filler in this story, small vicious, multi fanged spherical vermin who munch on anything in their sights.

The real ‘stars’ of Critters are the bounty hunting alien shape-changers tasked with eradicating these fluffy munchers from the face of the galaxy. Given that these heroes fly in a huge robot vacuum cleaner and seem impressed by soft cock rock balladeers tells you everything you need to know about how awesome this might be.

After a solid half hour of filler masquerading as build up, this intergalactic pest control unit lands to save an all American family from these toothy tennis balls. They assume human guise to blend in, but somehow make no attempt to hide the large space weapons that they carry with them.

When the Critters finally set to a’chompin’, we swiftly realise why they took so long to unleash them. Aside from the fact that they are about the size and shape of a soccer ball, the only menace that these creatures represent is their many teeth and small poison spikes that they fire into victims. That aside the Critters can be stomped, exploded, shot or kicked, like any other small angry pet.

Which begs the question how scary are they really when they can be dispatched so easily? And how great are these fearless bounty hunters when they can’t finish them off?

One thing I am sure of, is that in future sequels the filmmakers will remedy these flaws and improve both the menace level, and methods of dispatch for these tiny ineffectual wannabe gremlins.

Riiiiiiiiight???

Final Rating – 5 / 10. Not funny. Not cute. Not scary. Not creative. I like that they can curl up and roll about, but that’s not padding out 80 minutes, let alone four films.

Critters 2

So one of the kids that I didn’t even bother mentioning last film came back for the sequel. And it wouldn’t have been the same without him. I’ll just have to deal with the loss of the rest of the family, wotsisname, charisma-free guy and… The other one.

The bounty hunters are back too, proving that no-one managed to turn the first film into a real career. This does provide the only point worth mentioning in the series though, when one shape changer decides upon the shapely form of a Playboy centrefold as its ‘cover’, albeit for about 5 minutes.

Then it’s back to the crap.

The town nearest to the first events has made a designated and uniform effort to paper over the rumours regarding alien invasion, dispelling any such claims as nonsense. The stuff of cheap rubbish sci-fi flicks.

And how. Some long lost eggs show up. Get found. Get sold to a collector and handed out to kids. Oh should I mention it’s Easter right now?

Once the eggs hatch and the Critters return, it’s the same old same old. It’s extremely sad that these gremlins with eating disorders and Tina Turner’s wig (biggest kill: a guy in the Easter Bunny outfit) boast the most charisma in the film. They kill and are killed with zero flair and fewer laughs as you wait impatiently for merciful death… Credits.

Final Rating – 5 / 10. When you get the chance to further develop a nothing premise and you decline that opportunity… Why?

Critters 3

Word is out folks. This franchise is doomed. Even the ginger geek that held the first two films together doesn’t even need the $37 pay packet that comes with headlining a terrible film. The guy who obviously needed the bucks is the paranoid douche from the first film, having been adopted as the ‘face’ of the bounty hunters.

The flashbacks to the first films that follow only serve to remind us just how crappy and highlight free the series has been so far.

And it ain’t getting better folks.

More notable is the appearance of Leonardo Di Caprio as a young city brat, not that it adds anything to the film beyond constant gasps of “oh that’s Leo!”

But what if the Critters? said no-one ever. Well to answer the non-question, they’re in New York City yo!

In an apartment building no doubt scheduled for demolition and therefore available for free filming, various morons rapidly become under siege from these aggressive Sonic the Hedgehogs – who from behind look like a family of bogan cabbages.

The Critters are still aggressive and still exceedingly mortal. The film franchise is still especially bad. Actually worse.

Final Rating – 4.5 / 10. This time the Critters eat beans and fart. A cinematic high for all involved.

Critters 4

There must have been fourteen bucks left in the budget jar at the conclusion of filming Critters 3, which finished a day early. So the filmmakers said “what the hey” and nutted out another unnecessary flick before heading back to their day jobs at the various fast food stores that dotted the region.

They didn’t spend the fourteen bucks in special effects.

There might have been a few dollars left over, but amazingly after a film franchise with zero original ideas, the only thing they came up with to differentiate this from the other crapfests is moving stuff to outer space. Somehow this adds ten minutes to the usual 80 minute running time. Ten slooooow minutes. Why is the worst film in the series the longest? Which is what Michael Bay should ask himself now and then.

This time around frozen Critters are ejected into space with the loony bounty hunter guy. Once thawed out 50+ years into the future, they move on to terrorise the crew, none of whom who are smart enough to stand on chairs or close doors behind them…

Again; angry tennis balls.

The film takes too long to bring the Critters in. And you’re instantly wracked with remorse when they do.

I managed to manufacture one laugh, when one of the crew manages to circumvent the spaceship’s high tech security after his clearance is denied by ordering “do NOT give me clearance then”. Genius.

All of the horrible eye gouging, ear hurting, self loathing dross that you should have moved on from by now. Only ten more minutes of it.

Final Rating – 4 / 10. Alien via the $2 shop, four times filtered to strain any semblance of creativity.

Final Quadrilogy Rating – 4 / 10. Like ‘mild’ curry, ‘light and tangy’ potato chips and Robin Thicke music, Critters exists to please no-one. It is the alternative to quality. The filler for nothing which will leave you wondering if nothing would have perhaps been preferable.

I wish nothing but bad things to the people that created this, and nothing but good things for those unfortunate enough to believe it ‘entertainment’.