The Wolverine (Review)

the-wolverine-posterIt is not the superpowers that set Wolverine aside. If you throw a cape on him he’s just another super-strong humanoid impervious to pain. Another flightless sideburn-rocking Superman.

Nope. The trait that ensures Wolverine’s notoriety is – for lack of a better term – his ornery-ness. Wolverine doesn’t need friends. Actually doesn’t want friends. As he most memorably said in a 12 second cameo in the otherwise forgettable X-Men First Class “Go fuck yourself”.

Now for mine a brooding, aggressive, anti-social, and yes, ornery superhero sounds pretty good. Especially once the blades emerge from his knuckles to impale whoever dares annoy him. So it was a genuine downer when X-Men Origins: Wolverine introduced Wolvie’s only true neutralising agent… The PG rating.

No F-bombs, no real aggression and no violence worth recalling. It seems the only thing killed in the original Wolverine spin-off was further X-Men Origin tales. And given I can’t name two other X-Men that doesn’t actually sound that bad.

But Wolverine remains a superhero with untapped potential, and even though the new flick earned another PG rating I remained intrigued. And with a re-roided Hugh Jackman once again flexing his pecs under the silly hair and contrived snarl, I thought “Why not give him one more chance?”

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First the good news. The Wolverine is at least a little bit more dangerous this time around, and not hampered with a clumsy origin tale. But the film is still Hollywood, so the world’s surliest super still manages to not only save both an enemy soldier and multiple women, multiple times, but also finds the time to avenge an animal’s death. All in between brooding more than the average goth teenager.

The Wolverine opens in the United States. Wolverine (Jackman) is all alone and deeply depressed, avoiding all contact with mankind having taken a vow of non-violence. (How is it that every ‘vow’ of any kind seems to be accompanied by a vow of non-shaving and non-haircuts?)

Uma Ricci

Uma Ricci

Wolverine’s bushy beard nearly lasts longer than the vow, which ends soon after he agrees to an invite made by Nikiyo, a tiny Japanese Christina Ricci lookalike with Uma Thurman as Mia from Pulp Fiction haircut.

Now in Japan, Wolverine finds himself at the bedside of a dying man who he once saved in World War 2, with the man offering him something he never thought possible.

The man’s only proviso; protect his granddaughter Mariko. Of course Wolverine takes to his task with great fervour, knocking the rust off the claws by plunging them into various Japanese bad guys – though always in the most bloodless, ungory PG way possible. A fight atop a 300 mph train is a highlight, ironically a knife fight on a bullet train, but it takes an awfully long time for Wolvie to get his groove back, and he finds himself waking up, shaking his head and wondering where he is and how he got knocked out than your average superhero should.

Thankfully they keep the inevitable ninja onslaught at bay, at least until the second half of the film. And the finale throws everything but the huge silver robot samurai at Wolverine…

… no wait. That’s in there too.

Wolverine the character is like a tired toddler. Sure he acts surly and resentful, but at heart he just wants to be accepted and involved with things. Unfortunately while these films remain PG, they might make a lot of money, but they will never be as hard to get along with, dangerous or memorable as they oughtta be.

Final Rating – 6.5 / 10. At a pinch I’d say this bests the original Wolverine marginally. But even though I gave that a 6.5 I’d rather downgrade that than upgrade this.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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