Calling all opportunistic directors hoping to hop on the recent bandwagon of quickie cash in horror movies that rely almost exclusively on name recognition…
A word of advice; if you intend to half arse your remake / reboot /unnecessary sequel with second rate effects, a no name cast and a threadbare script, DONT OPEN YOUR FILM WITH A MONTAGE OF THE BEST BITS OF THE CLEARLY SUPERIOR PREDECESSOR!
Of course that’s exactly what happens here. The first few minutes have you saving “oh yeah”, the following 90 odd have you muttering “oh no”.
Taking up with a flashback starting immediately after the conclusion of the 70s Tobe Hooper original. We learn that all did not go well for the original clan of massacre-ers. We also learn that amid the chaos and bloodshed one couple managed to find a young girl and whisk her away.
20 odd years later its present day, but really its actually nearly 40 years later, but as we know 40 year old female protagonists are just gross. Right Halle, Cameron Diaz and Angelina?
So while in reality almost a full four decades pass, the young girl Heather ages about half that… Forget it Jake. It’s Chainsawtown.
Let’s fast forward even a little faster. Heather older. Has dumb friends. Gets told she is adopted by her reprehensible ‘parents’. Gets told her real heritage lies in Texas. Gets told “but never go to Texas”.
“Woooooo-Hooooooo. Road trip!”
Now in Texas Heather is welcomed with open arms and told that she has inherited the family home. And wouldn’t you know it the house is Party Central. A fully kitted out kick arse entertainer’s dream. Apparently the chainsaw wielding mass murdering family also liked to have guests over.
Without pausing to let these or any other thoughts enter their pretty heads the small group start the inevitable process of splitting up, entering dungeons and secret rooms and finding things they shouldn’t.
Similarly inevitable is the reappearance of Leatherface (or equivalent), who it seems has been lying very low for either 20 or 40 years. What’s also obvious is that he was working on his speed off the line. It doesn’t matter how much of a head start the screaming bait has, old Leathery is on their heels within 20 yards. If this psychotic mindless killing doesn’t work out he should put a call in to the NFL.
Shriek. Stab. Bzzzz. Scream. Impale. Snooze.
So many of these modern day cash ins suck. I should know this by know. Worse though, THEY should know by now. It isn’t mandatory to have gore, scares, boobs, chills or tension, but for Leatherface’s sake have one of those things! (Or in the case of boobs: two)
Final Rating – 5 / 10. Suspenseless, boobless and pointless. But most of all this Saw is toothless.
