B Movie Haiku Reviews: File Under – ‘Big Budget Misfires’: Monkeybone / Howard the Duck / The Postman

Here are some films that someone thought enough of to throw millions of doomed dollars at, despite the fact that it seems blindingly obvious that they have almost no chance of finding a market.

MonkeyboneMonkeybone

Budget: $75,000,000

Premise: A guy and his irreverent cartoon monkey endure hijinks and bumps on the road to love.

Chances of Success: 0.003%

In many ways Monkeybone reminded me of Osmosis Jones, another film with a name cast that mixed live action and animation and marketed itself as an alternative to the mainstream.

I pretty much loathed that film too.

The Plot

Car-toon-ist Stu won’t sell out
Un-til a co-ma
Traps his mind in a night-mare

The Action

Mon-key-bone steals Stu’s bo-dy
Runs ri-ot in an
Eigh-ty min Tim Bur-ton dream

In Summation

Vis-u-als cool. In-ven-tive.
All else sucks. Cast wrong.
Laugh-less, life-less and hope-less

Where to start? Brendan Fraser as a Jim Carrey-esque comedian inhabited at times by a cartoon character who derives every laugh from either a banana or a bodily function (which of course leaves him pretending to be a monkey at one point for a full 5 minutes – every one of which is very painful).

How about Bridget Fonda as a love smitten girlfriend who has nearly run out of patience? I bet her agent said that this would be ‘edgy’; hardly, it’s never a good sign when you totally and constantly ignore the central action in favour of watching the small details in the background, but with the alternative and standout background design, especially in Stu’s dream state, this is really all one can do when the foreground sucks so bad.

This film is irreverent in every way that is instantly irrelevant. It’s ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?‘ seen through the eyes of a meth addict. An awful Beetlejuice via Twin Peaks deleted scene that never deserved to see the light of day.

Final Rating – 4 / 10. During the opening credits you might be forgiven for saying ‘Hey there are some actors in this!’ Don’t worry, that misconception dissipates quickly.

HowieHoward the Duck

Budget: $35,000,000

Premise: A space-duck finds himself on Earth.

Chances of Success: 12% (Hey George Lucas made it. 80s George Lucas…)

They say Jar-Jar Binks is George Lucas’ worst idea ever. Let’s test that claim…

The Plot

Tal-king duck from oth-er world

Finds him-self on Earth

With no way to get back home

The Action

Tries to be a com-e-dy

Ex-cept it’s joke free

Un-less dire poul-try puns = laughs

In Summation

Give points for con-sist-en-cy

How-ard starts bad-ly

But holds that line till the end

A monumental misfire of mythical proportions. Howard fails in every respect from the first sequence (lady duck boobs?) to the last moment (implied bestiality?). And in between there is not one moment, not one single idea, that suggests that there was ever a valid reason to spend some fifty million dollars making a talking duck movie.

(At the risk of partial review, the main issue is the alternating treatment of Howard upon first contact. 99% of humans don’t give the clothed 3 foot tall talking duck more than a cursory glance or raised eyebrow – with the other 1% there only to serve the next situation, which is most assuredly dull and unnecessary. You can’t have a ‘fish out of water’ story if no-one gives a toss about the fish… or in this case the duck.

They say that the longest journey starts with the first step, but when that step is in the opposite direction to the goal of creating a competent film, it doesn’t matter how many steps – or in this case waddles you take. Howard the Duck sucks.

Final Rating – 3 / 10. Dollar for dollar one of the biggest flops in history. A bunch of short people in a lousy duck suit spitting awful jokes alongside a bunch of actors (Lea Thompson, Jeffrey Jones, Tim Robbins) trying their best to ruin their careers.

The PostmanThe Postman

Budget: $80,000,000

Premise: In a post-apocalyptic world one man dons a postman’s garb to unite the disenfranchised.

Chances of Success: 20% (Yeah I know re-read that. But Kev was running hot at this point.)

So far we’ve had a duck and a chimp. I think the only thing that can aptly round out this trio of ineffectiveness is a Kevin Costner film where a man masquerading as a mailman becomes a symbol for freedom and righteousness… Just typing that sentence makes me wonder if the talking duck was really all that bad…

So three hours huh Kev? I’m not wading through 600 or so words to try to explain this drivel which starts with a man and his mule putting on plays for the masses – and goes downhill from there. 

 

The Plot

 

U.S. Post a-poc-a-lypse *

A land div-i-ded

Peo-ple starve, nas-ty men roam

 

The Action

 

A Post-man and faith-ful mule

Walk the land. Neu-tral

Until forced. But how to help all?

 

In Summation

 

Re-boot-ing the mail ser-vice!

This u-nites the lands

No shit. This real-ly hap-pened.

 

* Be warned, apparently the apocalypse comes in 2013… oh wait. I missed it?!?!

 

Unlike the huddled masses, no doubt all suffering PTSD due to the apocalypse, I wasn’t filled with pride and renewed confidence when Kev rocked up in a Postie uniform proclaiming that society was back on its feet. That said, maybe the phrase ‘going postal’ convinced a few to smile and nod for fear of seeing Kev ascend a tall building with a sniper rifle…

But when Kev and the leader of the marauding militia paused to trade Shakespeare verses, I posted a self addressed envelope of my own, and when I opened it I recognized my own writing, which said; “Turn this shit off now”.

I stupidly hung around for a further two hours watching the dead letter that was Kevin Costner’s career as a headliner turn yellow and desiccated before my eyes.

The Postman is a pompous, self important and amazingly misguided piece of crap. If Costner had have thought of this film – or Waterworld for that matter – there would never have been Dances with Wolves or Field of Dreams.

Costner was lucky he had a career before he made the career-killers.

Final Rating – 5 / 10. Return to sender.

So there we have it, nearly 200 Million dollars worth of disappointment, with nary an entertaining minute to show for it.

It should be no surprise that none of these films saw a sequel… it should be a relief.

OGR

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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