Cutthroat Island (Review)

51ZrvaPUqJL._SL500_SS500_1668. With his dying breath Captain Adams gives his section of a map leading to buried treasure to his grand daughter Morgan (Geena Davis). The fact that the map section was tattooed on his scalp brings a great many unavoidable questions;

  1. How could Cap Adams see the map atop his bonce?
  2. What if he went bald before dying? Would he have to always wear a hat?
  3. What if his parrot (if he got one) blabbed of the map to his buds?
  4. Whose idea of a smart move was to put a map on someone’s head?
  5. Is Mike Tyson’s face really the clue to buried treasure, or merely indication that he really did lose the plot some time ago?

Doesn’t matter I guess. Morgan ends up with it and decides she must find the other map segments and track down the treasure. But not before she teams with a roguish and rakishly handsome pickpocket named Shaw (Matthew Modine).

Strangely enough scalping grandpa and wandering round with the skin from his head in your pocket is the easy part. The hard part is securing the other map section from nasty old Uncle – though Captain to you and me – Dawg.

Cutthroat Island cost a bundle to make and for the most part you can see the dollars on screen. The problem with the film, and what relegates it to a step below Pirates of the Caribbean and even Muppet Treasure Island, is the casting.

Geena Davis has too many teeth in her head and the grace and composure of a baby giraffe, which is most evident in the poorly choreographed fight scenes which make it embarrassingly easy to tell where the stunt double is onscreen. Gawky and gangly = Davis. Graceful and efficient = stunt person. But she’s still more a man than most of the pirates in her crew, alas it’s mostly in terms of looks…

Modine fares no better as the hapless offsides Shaw. He is given no lines or actions to set him apart, and in any case lacks the personality or charisma to demand our attention. Instead he and Morgan bicker their way ever so pointlessly and clumsily towards their inevitable declarations of love.

Langella though deserves better, and acts in such a way that openly suggests he is aware this is destined for straight to DVD status – somehow even before DVD was invented. He screams every second line and sleeps through the other.

Cutthroat Island is underwhelming in every way. Lame dialogue, unimaginative stunts framing mediocre action, and an over abundance of supposedly saucy interplay between the two mismatched leads.

My ‘favourite’ part occurred at a stage when all appeared lost. The ship is sunk, the surviving crew confined to a rickety lifeboat or the surrounding floating wreckage. One and all lament their dire situation for a couple minutes, before one yells “look there!”. The fifteen or so characters turn as one to see a huge island looming on the horizon, all of 300 yards away. It is this attention to detail which clearly illustrates how poorly the huge budget was spent. I could also have pointed to the finale, where the two boats stand motionless (as if anchored!) parallel to one another, unleashing volley after volley of cannonballs at each other. The end result being two entirely unmarked ships with nary a scratch on them.

Proof that it doesn’t matter how much money you throw at something, if the parts are inferior and the craftsman lacks ability, the result will always be second rate.

Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. Funny that only a few years later Pirates of the Caribbean made practically the same film, replaced Geena Davis with a stumbling Johnny Depp, and yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum’d all the way to a blockbuster franchise and countless squillions.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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