AKA ‘The sword in the… scarf?’
According to a brief preamble, the legend of King Arthur was based upon a real historical figure. According to this film, that guy is the world’s first SNAK: or Sensitive New Aged Knight.
King Arthur (Clive Owen) and his crew of loyal colleagues are pretty awesome. They cruise into a pitched battle and slaughter the entire enemy force. One at a time with not a hair out of place or a spot of blood on the tunic. To make things even cooler, they remain irreverent, roguish and brash even in the very face of death!
Arthur believes in equality of race, religion and social standing. No one is better or worse than anyone else. He even has his men sit at the famed round table so that no man will feel less than another. He could also have just had a rectangular one and placed no chairs at the ends…
Arthur and his men are servants of Rome, and for his part Arthur is especially ardent supporters of all things Roman, despite never having set foot on Italian soil. As employees Arthur and co are sent on errands of all kinds. They slay dissidents, protect Roman envoys and watch for the Woads, the blue painted savages of Merlin who would see the Romans leave Britain to the Brits (also the Woads are what Elmer Fudd dwives on).
This most recent protection job is a most important one, as the VIP kept safe is the man charged with releasing Arthur and his men after their 15 year stint. Only the herald brings bad news. Instead of freedom and early retirement to their respective homes, they are told that they are to be given one more mission. A particularly deadly one to rescue noble Romans from deep inside territory known to be roamed by Merlin’s men.
Despite their misgivings they reluctantly agree, and they find more than they bargain for almost immediately. The man they are to accompany is a vile man who tortures and mistreats innocents in the name of God. Being Nice Guys one and all, they free the imprisoned, including a Woad woman named Guinevere (Keira Knightley). After a quiet start, Guinevere starts talking and never stops. She informs Arthur and the boys of the various injustices perpetrated by the bad guys, and we all settle in for the big battle.
Some moments in King Arthur come across like they are being ticked off like a shopping list, the love scene, the knights split up, the get back together, the big fight. The final battle itself shows just how 7 guys with a little pluck and the PC gods on their side (and some archers and a few Woads) can win the day, as long as the only enemy is the powers of logic.
I can’t tell if Clive Owen was awful or awesome. The only variances in his performance came in term of volume. Keira Knightly seems to phone in her role as well, feeling the bulk of her work comes in her revealing Woad warrior outfit that she paints on late in the film. Stellan Skarsgaard also rocks up as a vicious killer who has lost the passion for his job (of killing), so it shouldn’t be a surprise that he comes across as happy as a guy called in to work unpaid overtime for the duration.
King Arthur is a 2000s overly PC guy in a 1990s throwback of a medieval period film, in that the first 90 minutes are only there to kill time until the stoush at the end.
Final Rating – 6.5 / 10. Never has a man who believed in equality so very much, killed so many people. Equally.
