Still more OGR Movie Cliches

SONY DSCSo far OGR has examined the more blatant clichés that reappear frequently in the action and horror genres. Today we will look at some more generic yet equally head-scratching cinematic conventions that somehow manage to find their way into so many lazy films.

 oncoming_train_by_karate4ev1-d46jsitCliché #1: The Random Toot

I’ll lead off with my favourite, although like everyone else I ignored the lack of logic that this requires for a long while.

But think about this; your characters – normally two of them – are on the run, moving through the sketchier areas of the city, dense forest in pitch black darkness, the prairies in the middle of nowhere, it doesn’t matter. They come across train tracks and within seconds a toot indicates the imminent arrival of a train to be dodged/avoided/jumped onto/stopped.

Now 99% of the time the train is just cruising along expecting nothing, certainly not our random adventurers, so why the toot? I mean it can’t have seen the characters or sensed their presence. Does this particular train just toot every few minutes like a smoke detector with flat batteries? Is it suffering from a train version of Tourette’s? Or is it just that every film-maker firmly believes that the arrival of a train on film must be accompanied by the ‘toot’ sound, so that we the stupid audience realises that ‘Oh it’s a train!’?

Trains don’t toot randomly for no reason.

Seriously think about how many times this one comes up and how little sense it makes.

Cliché #2: The nightclub whisperNightclub

So how is it that every scene set in a bumpin, pumpin’, you had to be there dude nightclub, filled with nubile bodies gyrating sensually, drinks flowing freely and of course the most cutting edge insanely loud music imaginable, can afford two characters a moment to chat casually amid the din without ever raising a voice or cupping an ear?

Off the top of my head I can think of Basic Instinct, We Own the Night, Species and all those crappy modern day gangster movies starring rappers (and usually Jet Li) as examples.

In fact it might be harder to find a film where it seemed difficult to communicate in a noisy environment, Human Traffic being the only one I could come up with.

In the few years of clubdom that I experienced my memory of ‘chats’ was hoarse screaming in an unfortunate mate’s ear – usually accompanies by liberal amounts of non-deliberate spittle – or more often simply the universal gesture of ‘you want a drink?’ (make a ‘C’ with your hand and tilt the symbol towards yourself once you catch their eye. Try to accompany the gesture with a raised eyebrow confirming you are asking a question.)

Movie clubs are both awesome and convenient. I might still be clubbing if they were actually real.

Cliché #3: Last guy on will F.Y.U.Betrayer

Any film featuring a team of criminals or mercenaries will be undone or at least threatened by the last guy added to the squad.

Consider Heat, Reservoir Dogs and even Panic Room. The last guy put on the crew was the one to derail proceedings, suggesting that screening standards and quality filters are less strictly monitored in the latter stages of the selection process, usually to the detriment of both the rest of the crew and the hapless civilians that are needlessly harmed as a result.

Criminals need to keep their eyes on the prize and either perform the same painstaking research for the last guy as they do the first picked. That or maybe run the jobs with one less in the crew…

Cliché #4: The third name killer/betrayer ruleJohn-Doe1

So in every slick Hollywood thriller the two guys/gals on the poster are the ones looking for the bad guy or the solution. It is almost always the first ‘name’ among the supporting cast that is the killer, mastermind or bad guy that sells them out.

Even if the guy is supposedly on their team.

I wondered in countless films if the recognisable guy was slumming it in a minor role or if he/she might reappear later to play a more prominent part.

Very rarely are they slumming it. I won’t spoil any films here by pointing it out, but consider this as near gospel; next time a decent name actor appears in the early goings of a film and then isn’t heard of again aside from a few brief appearances to remind you he’s still around. THAT GUY is coming back later for a reason.

Cliché #5: The King Kong ‘one at a time please’ rulesingle file

Two of these clichés were inspired by Peter Jackson epics. Let me deal with the one I don’t like first. (In fact King Kong was the first film that elicited such emotion from me – despair in this case – that I felt impelled to write about it).

Once Jack Black, Naomi Watts and co get to Skull Island in search of Kong, they face countless perils on the island. Only these are some of the most orderly animals, giant bugs and dinosaurs (!) in history.

Like a ‘winners hold court’ pick up game of basketball the various beasties queue up to take their crack, then once defeated or avoided, they stay where they are, never worrying them again. First it was giant lizards, then dinosaurs, then T-Rexs, then giant insects, then… oh never mind. This pissed me off so bad when I first watched the film that I have never bothered with it again.

Fucking giant, killer, polite beasts.

Cliché #6: The Elaborate approach – Instant Exit Gandalf

I need but one example for this.

Just how long was the Lord of the Rings trilogy? 9 hours? The extended versions must top a dozen. Then consider this (from memory), Frodo and co head off from the Shire on furry foot, dodge countless dangers before they even reach the Elvish kingdom, are hunted by armies of orcs for hundreds of miles, see their numbers dwindle as they are separated or worse, face doubt, traps, giant spiders and about a kajillion ways to die – including a bipolar pasty creature with a nasty bite…

… all to drop a ring in the molten lava of Mordor.

It’s an arduous, lengthy and perilous journey, and a magnificent cinematic ride.

Then, after 8 hours screen time and maybe weeks or months of trekking, the job is done. All that is left is the equally long journey home, where it is logical to assume that most of the big nasties will again queue up to have a crack at the travelling party – though this time in reverse order.

Well we could just take giant birds I guess. That would be quicker and we could skip the whole ‘perilous trip’ thing.

Wait what?

I realise all the fun in the movie is the journey there. Once the treasure or goal is attained the mission is effectively over. Sometimes it’s even an anti-climax. But give me a break. Why have the first three movies when a 15 minute flight would have done the same trick? Wouldn’t it be better to avoid disclosing the plothole? Even something like a star wipe, even a short written credit ‘months later’ would have been better.

Cliché #7: He’s behind me, isn’t he?look behind you

An especially lazy technique, the clueless character is allowed to rabbit on and on disparagingly about another character who is obviously not in the room… initially. As the other characters’ eyes widen and their jaws drop the ‘disser’ gradually slows his negativity as he realises what’s up.

Then comes the inevitable, “He’s behind me. Isn’t he?”

He sure is. This is OK for your tongue in cheek films like Austin Powers and such, forgivable for an episode in a sit-com, but straight deplorable and pathetic when used for the umpteenth time by Adam Sandler or Will Ferrell in the name of ‘hilarity’.

Cliché #8: The ‘Stop right there!’ crim alertStop Means Stop

So you’re on the tail of a dangerous crim or a desperado on the run. You finally get within breathing distance and spot your prey who is blissfully unaware of your presence. Then before you get the chance to sidle up alongside and say ‘the gig’s up’ or arrange your forces to block all exits and escape routes, some bonehead cop – probably a rookie – yells out ‘Hey you. Stop right there’.

Your prey runs. Of course they do. And you are left with a 37 man crew all milling about wondering how to – and who will – break the news of the botch job to the superiors.

The thing about sitting ducks is they stop sitting once you yell at them.

Cliché #8.1: The silent approach to the shoulder grabcartoon_doggy_gangster_png_funny_sneaking_graphic_invitation-rc595340c39e44edcaf2b48b1704d977b_8dnm8_8byvr_512

Having pointed out that alerting any suspicious character to your presence by calling out to them from afar, it only seems fair to discuss the opposite.

In how many films must we watch the pursuers stride up urgently behind someone wearing the same dress as their target, or having the exact same hairstyle and colour, only to have the surprised person pivot with shock or anger before the ‘shoulder grabber’ realises that it’s merely someone who looks almost exactly the same.

But isn’t their guy/gal. “Sorry I thought you were someone else.”

Near enough isn’t always good enough.

Cliché #9: The balcony guy momentum conundrumbalconylrge

It’s like the slice of honey soaked toast. Once it’s in the air it’s a far better than 50/50 bet that the piece will land honey-down on the floor. A sticky example of worst case scenario coming to life.

Balconies inhabit the same reverse karma zone. There has never been – no there will ever be – a man shot on a balcony who stays on the balcony. This is especially strange given the fact that getting shot would most likely force you backwards, not towards where the bullet emanated.

Luckily there are almost always huge airbags at the base of these balconies to cushion the fall…

Cliché #10: The road-block soft squishy centreRoad-Block

I don’t know how many films featuring road trips and getaways feature this solid gold stupidity. The road is blocked in some sort of road blocking formation. Let’s just call it a road-block. There are cars, spikes, tanks even, all positioned strategically to hinder the progress of the vehicle speeding headlong from the opposite direction.

Almost every time said vehicle arrives and slows down… initially, before speeding up and charging right through the soft gooey guts of the roadblock as men leap in all directions to avoid being hit.

Gee if only we’d thought to put a car or something in the middle instead of people who value their own lives…

Cliché #11: The wartime ‘My special Girl…’ or ‘12 days left…’ death sentenceWarFactoryVietNam

You’re a soldier. You’re proud of your lady-friend. You love and adore her and no doubt can’t wait to be home with her.

You’re equally likely to be more than a little excited after a long tour once the number of days remaining gets to the low numbers in the countdown.

Both are exceedingly good reasons for being emotional. Even giddy.

But don’t tell your buddies in an excited manner, (especially if there are cameras around). This is a sure fire way of copping one in the guts as the mission nears a close. Sure it gives you the chance to deliver a final speech through blood soaked lips, but wouldn’t it be better if you just STFU and made it home safely?

You could almost email or write a letter telling your buddies why you left. I’m sure they’d understand.

Cliché #12: Aww Don’t shoot the monitor!screensmasher

Oh no you’ve shot my computer monitor because you wanted to stop me sending/copying this file!

Now I can’t possibly see how far along the file I am still sending/copying is along…

Surely computers have been around long enough for people to know that the monitor is really only the ‘looking at’ part, the ‘doing the work’ part is normally nearby, linked only with a series of thin black cables and protected only by the stupidity of the dopey character with the gun and impaired logic.

Thus ends another incredibly well thought out piece…

OGR

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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