B-Movie Haikus: 80s and 90s schlock-horror edition: Frankenhooker / Chopping Mall / Bad Biology

Since coming up with my part lazy / part inspired B Movie Haiku concept I have covered off on some of the sub-genres that exist at the low end of the cinematic gene-pool, videogame based flicks, low budget tripe trying to cash in on fads (ninjas / vampires / ninjas vs vampires), snake related fare, crappy sequels, and most recently Japanese insanity.

This time around I thought it might be time to visit some films that paved the way for today’s big budget, low idea horror scene, the undeniably creative yet equally undeniably schlocky low budget 80s and early 90s horror flicks. The films that were kept on the high shelves in faded brittle VHS cases in the video shop’s second room.

The stuff that was deemed ‘Cult’ before ‘Cult’ was a thing and filmmakers could aspire to it.

Frankenhooker

From quite possibly deranged filmmaker Frank Henenlotter, creator of Basket Case 1, 2 & 3 (and an even weirder current day entry below), comes Frankenhooker. The film that he apparently pitched off the cuff in a meeting with execs, then actually wrote the script once it was approved – much to his surprise.

Not that he spent too much time on the script by the looks of things…

The Plot

Freak lawn-mo-wer acc-id-ent,

leaves Jeff sin-gle. But…

still with most of his girl-friend

The Action

Jeff needs parts. But where? HOO-KERS!

Drugs prove the ans-wer

But once a hoo-ker, al-ways a…

In Summation

Sim-ple con-cept hand-led well

Far more weird than gore

Though (top) hea-vy on the flesh

For a film that is quite obviously borne from a single idea and not developed much beyond that Frankenhooker is somehow charming and likeable. James Lorinz acts like an alternate universe Oscar is on the line as Jeffrey Franken, the probably insane full time electrician who dabbles in amateur surgery.

Final Rating – 6.5 / 10. The best of bona fide B movies. Knows its limitations and stays within them, with dollops of crazy, wall to wall nudity in places and a committed central character, this is kitsch, kooky and silly fun.

Chopping Mall

From our endlessly persistent friends at Troma, the company that doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘enough’ comes this gleeful burst of stupidity.

Apparently someone watched Terminator and Short Circuit a few times and thought there was a crappy low budget flick in there somewhere.

They got the crappy part right, but it could have been much worse

The Plot

Armed ro-bots guard mall by night

“Noth-ing can go wrong”

So why ‘kill-bots’ in cred-its…?

The Action

Eight hor-ny teens host lock-in

Light-ning bolt. Bots change…

‘Neu-tral-ise’ turns to ‘pu-ree’

In Summation

Last scene of Term-in-a-tor

Stret-ched to an hour

(with twelve doll-ar bud-get)

Chopping Mall is as it must be – though kill-bots is a better title – but once you consider that these heavy slow moving things are on tracks, even stupid horny teens should realise that they are only stairs or a slow jog at worst away from safety? Why did no-one think to scream “Only stairs can save us now!… Oh look! Stairs.”

Not here. Not for eighty paralysing minutes interspersed only with whirring and clicking unhinged psycho toasters dealing out the occasional sub-par death scene to moronic teens who with the unerring instinct to take their tops off.

Aaahhhh, forget it kid, it’s Tromaworld…

Final Rating – 5 / 10. Even if you ignore the relative harmlessness of the robots when pitted against a semi-functional human being, these ‘kill-bots’ are about as scary as a VCR to an old person. As is the film.

Bad Biology

So while fishing the net for similar films to those above I found that the gonzo director of Frankenhooker had apparently emerged from his reclusive state to make his first film in nearly two decades, and more than that, it was about a guy with a mutated member.

Why look to the past when you have modern day schlock to kill those few remaining brain cells?

The Plot

Girl; se-xu-al dys-fun-ction

Craves. Urges. A-dick-ted.

Guy; huge schlong he can’t con-trol

The Action

Way dar-ker than Frank ‘n’ bots

Half un-think-a-ble

Half just in-des-cribe-a-ble

In Summation

I think some films are plain weird

If you like this one,

Fair chance YOU are the weird one…

Final Rating – 5 / 10. Credit where credit is due, director Henenlotter stuck to his guns on this one. Gone are the quirky ‘ha’ moments, replaced with genuine unease and straight up gross-out moments, before the mutant cock goes rogue and puts one ball in front of the other (I assume) on a one-eyed pussy hunt of his own.

Sorry, no way to describe it.

The two leads were probably looking for notoriety by taking on the blackest of black roles of Jennifer, the perpetually sex hungry woman with escalated hormone levels and no less than seven ‘magic buttons’ that most men can’t find, and Batz, the drug addicted and troubled young man who is literally a slave to the occupant of his trousers. But both deserve acknowledgment for bravery in the face of insanity.

Director Henenlotter deserves something – I think it starts with him being locked up.

You can’t help but feel that the whole thing is a big publicity stunt in the same way everything Lady GaGa does is, and the final 20 minutes is essentially soft core porn, but even without the titillating T&A close there is no denying that this is the pants down strangest film you will see this year.

I feel guilty sitting on the fence with a ‘5’ score. Just know I am not at all recommending this film to those that think either of the first two are crazy. Bad Biology sees your crazy, then ups the ante with scenes involving two hour gestation and vagina-faced models…

As I mentioned in the Bad Bio haiku, there are times when I describe the basic plot and events of a film to someone and I can tell they are thinking ‘This guy likes weird films’, and yes, Frankenhooker and Chopping Mall would be good examples that prove their accuracy. I think if I described the plot of Bad Biology without immediately distancing myself from the material, that same conversation partner might justifiably think ‘This guy is weird’.

I think if this is the type of film you genuinely enjoy. ‘They’ might be right.

B Movie horror should be a portal into stupidity, insanity and escapism, Bad Biology takes that a little – no a lot – too far.

Until next time

OGR

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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