Another couple kilos on a frame that doesn’t need them.
Another dent in the couch.
Another 287 films reviewed.
Welcome to the third annual oneguyrambling.com Ratings Summary for the 2011/2012 year.
Using my average of 95 minutes per flick let’s go through the raw numbers.
287 X ~95 = 27,265 minutes = ~450 hours… = 19 full days watching movies.
So again let’s look at the quality versus trash ratio to ascertain how many of those 19 days were worth the expansion in my waistline. As always I consider:
- Anything less than a 6 / 10 is wasted time.
- A 6 / 10 or 6.5 / 10 needs at least one redeeming feature to justify the time, but such a score will rarely warrant rewatching the film.
- A score of 7 / 10 + will generally make the film worthwhile and often worth watching again down the track, or buying the DVD depending on the actual score.
This was 2011/2012…
Either I am getting harder in my scoring methodology or I am selecting my films less carefully. Last year I blew time watching 60 shitty flicks, this year I watched less film overall but a startling 75 of them were god-awful.
This year 5 days from the 365 allotted were blown watching dross like Iron Sky, Shark Night and the immortal Don’t be a Menace to South Central while drinking your Juice in the Hood!
The worst time thieves in the past 12 months were at opposing ends of the spectrum. I don’t think anyone anticipated the 80s T&A pioneer Hardbodies to hold up well to scrutiny three decades on, especially now that the nudity bar is set so low that every reality show and TV ad relies on anything up to actual insertion. But The Woman somehow thinks it is better than it is, and for some reason that I will remain blissfully ignorant of critics kinda seemed to like it.
I didn’t. The Woman was atrocious, Hardbodies might have been an inferior product but I hated The Woman more than anything else over the year this side of Real Steel. More on that later.
In other news I checked out some so called classics and was greatly underwhelmed. Wild, Wild West, Pluto Nash, Children of the Corn and Judge Dredd all blew goats, and in more recent releases Bad Teacher, Sleeping Beauty and Ghost Rider 2 all sucked arse. You can decide for yourself which category you’d rather be in.
The Fincher helmed remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo riled me not because of its ineptness, just due to the sheer unnecessariness of it all. It smacks of arrogance and I can’t help but think we’ll get two more sequels we don’t need.
So it was between Bad teacher and Real Steel as to which was the big budget disappointment for the year. Real Steel won thanks to its abysmal character arc that had neglectful and abusive dad Hugh Jackman doing a 180 degree turn in the span of about four minutes after his sons gambling robot made him rich.
Feel good hit of the year how?
And the only reason I haven’t mentioned Red State here is that Kevin Smith is now expected to make crap.
Last year I couldn’t retract my “Don’t Bother Watching” recommendations for any of the 60 sub-par titles, ditto this year – though the Jim Carrey misfire Number 23 is an adorably confusing mess.
During the past few months I have redubbed films that garnered a 6 or 6.5 from 10 as ‘The Grey Area’, not because they feature Liam Neeson fleeing snarling wolves, but because I can see how on a different day in different circumstances someone might well derive an element of viewing pleasure from them – even justifying them as Worthwhile instead of merely ‘meh’.
Whether it was the day that I had, the mood I was in or just the fact that the film wasn’t that good, in 2011/2012 I watched 98 films that managed to amuse me momentarily without leaving an impression. Another worrying sign of my misspent leisure time is that the sum of the Wasted Time and Killing Time is over 60% of my movie watching expenditure.
That has to be poor time management.
Last year I named 5 films I might revisit: Inglourious Basterds, Ninja Assassin, Year One, Frontier(s) and From Hell. The only one that I checked out again was Basterds, and I didn’t alter my opinion one bit.
So separating into four broad categories:
Skin: Colombiana, Middle Men, Notorious Bettie Page, So Close, Rise: Blood Hunter, Bikini Summer
Dumb action: Assassins, Cobra, Contraband, Drop Zone, The Transporter, Underworld, Haywire
Harmless entertainment: The Mummy, Priest, Harold and Kumar, Eight Legged Freaks
So-so horror: Attack the Block, Audition, Creepshow, Apollo 18, Don’t be afraid of the Dark
So-so blockbusters: Green Lantern, Green Hornet, Journey 2 the Mysterious Island, The Adjustment Bureau, Cowboys and Aliens, Wrath of the Titans, Chronicle, John Carter
I will inevitably check out Attack the Block – I bought the DVD online – Balls of Fury and Eight Legged Freaks are both silly but kinda fun, my 5 year old will mean I see Cars 2 again, and John Carter, Rise of the Planet of the Apes and The Thing remake might warrant another look at some point.
And I stand by my assertion that Underworld 4 is the best of the Underworld series (still not that good though).
Time well spent
With a disturbing 60% wastage rate, my 40% – or just on a week of actual time – came and went, with no 10 out of 10s to cap them off.
Last year I wrote that while I am happy to buy DVD/Blu-Rays of films I will rewatch, I generally don’t buy dramas. I cited Winter’s Bone, The Constant Gardener and Gone Baby, Gone as examples. Funnily enough all three now sit cosily in my collection thanks to JB Hi-Fi sales.
I stated my intent to buy Let the Right One In, Machete, Piranha 3, Scott Pilgrim Vs the World and the old classic Big Trouble in Little China and I am pleased to say that I have been 100% successful. I also put Rango and Unstoppable as ‘maybe’s’ and grabbed them both too…
It’s a little more iffy this year. I have purchased Tintin and The Muppets already, but it’s thin on the ground from there. I will probably end up with The Avengers and can’t wait for The Raid: Redemption, but after that it starts looking maybe-ish. As in ‘maybe’ I’ll get Sherlock Holmes, ‘maybe’ Warrior, ‘maybe’ The Grey will be on sale and catch me feeling indulgent.
But that’s about it. Thin on the ground this year.
Time very well spent
Last year I watched 41 GREAT flicks, granted many were from my own collection, but that doesn’t excuse an entire year in which I only saw 14 GREAT films, I mean who can’t manage to find time for a little over one awesome film a month?
In any case only two were actually released in the last 12 months, The Adventures of Tintin and The Raid: Redemption. One a classic rollicking romp to please all ages and the other a callback to the golden era of Jackie Chan a martial arts masterpieces.
With The Dark Knight Rises a’coming and Adam Sandler in ‘That’s my Boy’ hopefully we won’t have too long to wait until the next GREAT film…
Last year I decided to be more severe with my ratings on mediocre films, a decision I have since maintained in my reviews.
In my view being merely average isn’t good enough, I demand more, so a 7 is the magic divider between worthwhile and… not.
Greater than 0/10 less than 6/10 –
“Dear Film-maker, whatever you were trying to achieve, you fucked up.”
The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Mask of the Ninja
Ninjas Vs Vampires
Wild Wild West
Clive Barker’s The Plague
Hobo with a Shotgun
Punisher: War Zone
Undead or Alive
Backtrack / Catchfire
Beverly Hills Cop 3
Children of the Corn
End of Days
The Grudge 2
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
Red Riding Hood
Romeo Must Die
Cradle 2 the Grave
DOA: Dead or Alive
Escape from L.A.
Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (US)
The Grudge 3
The Man with the Screaming Brain
30 Minutes or Less
A Vampire in Brooklyn
V for Vendetta
Village of the Damned
The Amityville Horror (2005)
The Devil Inside
Don’t be a Menace to South Central while drinking your Juice in the Hood
John Carpenter’s Vampires
The Killer Inside Me
Our Idiot Brother
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead
Streets of Fire
War of the Dead
6.0/10 – “OK, so you made a movie, do you want a medal?”
The Adjustment Bureau
Cowboys & Aliens
The Distinguished Gentleman
Don’t be Afraid of the Dark
Give ‘Em Hell Malone
Gremlins 2: The New Batch
Hell comes to Frogtown
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
Keeping the Faith
The King of Comedy
Mo’ Better Blues
The Money Pit
My Name is Bruce
The Notorious Bettie Page
The Quick and the Dead
Puss in Boots
Rise: Blood Hunter
Tango and Cash
You Don’t Mess with the Zohan
6.3/10 – “For some reason I thought Wrath of the Titans was better than the first, but still not worth a 6.5.”
Wrath of the Titans
6.5/10 – “Not that crash hot but with one memorable or cool scene. EG: ‘At least it had boobies’.”
Attack the Block
Balls of Fury
Deep Blue Sea
Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story
Eight Legged Freaks
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
Grosse Pointe Blank
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
A History of Violence
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
Ichi the Killer
The Italian Job
The Mummy Returns
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
The Muppets take Manhattan
Once upon a time in China
The People Under the Stairs
The Planet of the Apes
7.0/10 – “Worth watching, let’s see what you do next.”
The Big Hit
Captain America: The First Avenger
Conan the Barbarian
Fright Night 2011
The Inbetweeners Movie
Journey to the Centre of the Earth
The Muppet Movie
A Nightmare on Elm Street 1984
Paranormal Activity 3
Pump up the Volume
Rambo: First Blood Part 2
Red Riding: In the Year of our Lord 1980
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Rock ‘N’ Rolla
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas
7.5/10 – “It was OK, definitely worth a look.”
Another 48 Hours
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Bram Stoker’s Dracula
The Devil’s Backbone
The Exorcism of Emily Rose
A Fish called Wanda
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang
The Muppets (2011)
New Jack City
The Pirates: Band of Misfits
Red Riding: In the Year of our Lord 1974
Red Riding: In the Year of our Lord 1983
Shoot ‘Em Up
The Skeleton Key
8.0/10 “This is better.”
8 / 10
Beverly Hills Cop 2
The Great Muppet Caper
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Marvel’s The Avengers
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
8.5/10 – “Now this is what I’m talking about.”
The Adventures of Tintin
Being John Malkovich
Beverly Hills Cop
Do the Right Thing
Good Will Hunting
The Raid: Redemption
9.0/10 – “It’ll be hard for you to top this one.”
9 / 10
The Silence of the Lambs
9.5/10 “Absolutely lurrrrrve your work Sir (or Madam).”
Unbelievably enough none this year.
10/10 “Undeniable awesomeness. Perfection.”
And there we have another year in OGR. Until 12 months time…