The only Quest is taking this back to the shop as quickly as possible.
This is a real JCVD cookie cutter crapathon, must’ve taken 11 minutes to write and about the same to make.
JCVD is a 35 year old orphan (!) and quasi-leader of a pack of other (yes younger) orphans. (Are you still an orphan at 35?) He is driven away due to random naughtiness and skips town, stowing away on a ship where he ultimately ends up being sold slave-style by Roger Moore (again !).
This is really all a pointless prelude to JCVD entering a big tournament featuring fighters from all over the globe, each one a clumsy stereotype of the nation they come from.
The plot is boring and derivative, but in JCVD’s defence it is largely ripped from his own movies. The first 50 mnutes is just boring and it isn’t really saved by the final 40 odd which is pretty much a long montage of fight after fight.
If there is a plus it is that the fights are pretty well choreographed, but they are also tame and quite dull.
Think he wins? I’ll leave that up to your own imagination.
Interesting to note that JCVD is the director of this tripe, it is obvious that he had a real crack and made a movie that he wanted to be important and classy.
Sorry Johnny, it just isn’t.
1 – Why is he French?
Because he is French. How about that.
2 – Who is he saving/helping?
Other orphans apparently, you never see it though.
3 – Who is the Bad Guy(s)?
The Rest of the World. With a Mongol being the big baddie.
4 – Does he do the splits?
Yep.
5 – Is he shirtless in the film?
Yep.
6 – Does he hold poses after the final punch/kick? (Extra points for slo-mo!)
You know it.
7 – Is the soundtrack full of ‘orrible cheesy toons?
No.
8 – Are there any other recognisable actors in the film?
Only Roger James Fucking Bond Moore.
9 – Is there a love interest? (Or at least some tit!)
No.
10 – Is the damme thing any damme good?
No.
Verdict – Only Knock-Off saved this from being the worst JCVD film so far.
