Knock Off (Review)

Die Schneider. Die!!

Die Schneider. Die!!

Welcome to the first of too many JCVD Van Dammathonne reviews. You will note that they are far more succinct than my “standard” movie discussions but then again plot is hardly a massive consideration when greenlighting a JCVD flick.

This was seriously the first DVD that I randomly whacked into the tray.  I didn’t read the cover just picked up a box, pinged out the disc and away we go.

Why would I bother pointing this out you ask? Read on…

Knock Off finds JCVD in Hong Kong running a counterfeit jeans operation (!), among othershonky products that closely enough replicate the real thing, handbags, sporting equipment, watches and such. You know, the usual stuff that we go to SE Asia to purchase every so often.

Counterfeit jeans!!!

So his business partner turns out to be none other than Rob Schneider, a much loathed talentless hack who can’t leave screens soon enough for my liking. Schneider happsn to be a CIA plant whose role is to identify and shut down these shonky operations, apparently he was laying low in the middle of a business he should have been closing down. Why?

Forget it, it’s China(town).

The real “plot” comes up when terrorists replace the buttons on these pirate jeans with explosive devices, destined to cause havoc to groins across America, and JCVD and (blehhh) Schneider join forces to foil the dastardly plot.

1 – Why is he French?

His parents are dead and he was adopted in French Indo-China!

2 – Who is he saving/helping?

Helping the CIA bust open a counterfeit jeans operation.

3 – Who is the Bad Guy(s)?

The Russians. Rob Schneider for existing.

4 – Does he do the splits?

Almost but no.

5 – Is he shirtless in the film?

Yes, for no reason too.

6 – Does he hold poses after the final punch/kick? (Usually in slo-mo!)

Nope.

7 – Is the soundtrack full of ‘orrible cheesy toons?

Yep. Terrible theme song about knock-offs.

8 – Are there any other recognisable actors in the film?

2, one of them Schneider.

9 – Is there a love interest? (Or at least some tit!)

No.

10 – Is the damme thing any damme good?

HELL NO!

Verdict – This film was loathesome even without Schneider, unfunny junk with an even more than normally lazy plot that alternated between trying to take the subject matter reasonably seriously and going for a more “look at how silly and fun this is” approach.

I am already regretting this Van Dammathonne decision.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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